Welcome to my life. It's a whirlwind of kids, chaos, pets, people, family, art, and being home (most of the time; I like to get out here and there). We unschool, so the unexpected is, well, expected...

Wednesday, October 06, 2010

mothers... continued...

My daughter's best friend ran away from home this last July. By all outward standards this girl's mother is a good mom. She lets her daughter go to concerts, buys her clothing that she likes, and pays for dance classes. Sounds nice right? I mean, they have a nice house, and the mom makes nice food, they go to church and have everything looking JUST right. The mom also makes sure her daughter has the "right" friends and wears the "right" clothes and takes the "right" dance classes and is a chaperon on outings to make sure that her daughter is behaving "right", meaning, not doing drugs and getting into trouble.

Somehow, someway, that mom started shushing her daughter. She shushed her daughter when her daughter expressed interest in things the mother didn't think were "right". She shushed her daughter by fearing that her daughter would do drugs in her absence. She shushed her daughter when her daughter expressed the desire to hang out with friends. She shushed her daughter by trying to be a louder voice and hoping with all hopes that her voice would be so loud and so right that her daughter would see her wisdom and take it and use it in exactly the way the mother wanted her to do.

It's so stifling for a kid that just wants a little space and freedom to breathe and be her own person. Everything, for that kid, had strings attached. Some kids will comply to these things, some kids will simply cope knowing they can't change their circumstances and put up and shut up. Some kids simply won't and this kid didn't want to. Her life felt unbearable and crushing, to the point of needing to get away from that oppression.

There was a moment while this girl was at our house, and she was in Chamille's room and they were sitting, laughing, listening to music, and making things, and they were just happy, relaxed and happy. For the last 2 1/2 yrs that they have known each other, they have NEVER been able to do that. Two teen girls, best friends for over 2 yrs and they had NEVER had the opportunity to sit and laugh and listen to music and make things. Every time they spent together was measured and timed with conditions. Other than when this girl was here when she ran away, she had only been able to stay the night at our house 3 times. The first time she ran away (and here)from home, a little over a year prior, was because of the sheer disappointment of not being able to stay the night at her best friend's house, it was the "last straw" for her at that time. In the space of a year she was allowed to stay the night 3 times, clearly not enough to create a happy existence for this girl.

Moms can shush their children or soothe them. Sometimes the consequences of shushing are simply not worth it.....

2 comments:

Frank said...

Control is an illusion. The desire to control is a basilisk disguised as a chimera and it will eventually poison everything it comes in contact with.

Jenny Cyphers said...

yes Frank! I know! It's hard to sit back and watch it happen.